Undomesticated

True Love

2010-10-08T16:59:00.001-07:00

A Treatise against kilt-sagging?

2010-07-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite (and, judging by responses, your favorite) posts of all time was definitely the Treatise against pants sagging, which focused on the fact that a woman is never ever asking to get raped. Well, apparently Scotland agrees, in a totally awesome fashion.

Check it out!

Cures for The Cranky

2010-06-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

So, for the past week or two, I have had a serious case of the chronic crankies. I'm not sure if it started when three of my tires went flat, or when my fourth tire went flat shortly thereafter. Maybe the trigger was the feel of kitty claws sunk deep into my armpit during a certain greasy feline's bath; perhaps it was when the refrigerator light went out.
I'm not sure what brought this on, but I am fully prepared for it to die in a fire. So here's a start on a list of ways to cure the Cranky, and I would *love* your contributions.

1. A CRAZY workout. When you're too tired from the StairClimber to feel any emotion, Cranky is not an option.

2. Photos of kitties. Need I say more?

3. Laundry. Something about folding shirts gets me in this zen-foldy place.

4. Gardening. Maybe this isn't for everyone? Whatever, when Crazy Cart Lady yelled at me in the parking lot of Bed Bath and Beyond on Monday, I went straight to my local Navlets and got some chlorophyllic therapy.

5. Looking at wedding dresses on the internet. Does this get my feminist card revoked?

Please feel free to offer your cranky cures, as I am in dire need. And I can't take any more cowbell.

Cake in a mug

2010-06-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

I don't really like cake. Or cupcakes, to tell you the truth. I mean, I like them, but I wouldn't want to hang out with them. Because, here's the thing - if you want to hang out with Slice of Cake, you have to hang out with all of his friends.

And if you want one cupcake, you have to either pay $4.00 for one, or you have to find 23 friends with which to share the batch of cupcakes you just wasted your afternoon making.

So imagine my profound joy at finding a recipe that will, within five minutes of me deciding I want a confection, yield exactly one delicious serving of cake.

Want to know how? Here you go:

1. Grab a mug.

2. Put two packets of cocoa mix and two tablespoons of flour into the mug.

3. Add three tablespoons each oil and water into the mug.

4. Put one egg and a dash of vanilla into the mug.

5. Mix that junk up.

6. Put the whole thing into the microwave for 3 minutes.

7. NOMMMM

If you want to be fancy about it, you can oil the mug before you mix everything into it; then, when you take it out of the microwave, you can run a knife around the inside of the mug and dump it out onto a plate and put some frosting on there, or ice cream, or whatever. Follow your heart, etc.

Tiny tiny tiny.

2010-06-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

I promise that a for-real content-ful article is brewing in my noodle right now, but until it's ready...

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a tiny kitten in a tiny hat eating a tiny ice cream cone.

Enjoy!

A treatise against pants-sagging (or, "don't hang your vagina out, ladies")

2010-06-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

Trigger warning: discussion of male and female rape scenarios within.

When I first started at college way back in the day, they held a Rape Awareness Seminar - as is, I think, the norm these days. The bulk of the seminar was focused on "she's never asking for it," and after the presentation section was over, the floor was opened for discussion.

I will never forget this for as long as I live. One guy raised his hand to say - and I quote - "I'm all for equality of the sexes and everything, but if a chick is walking around in a miniskirt, like, with her vagina hanging out? Then yeah, she's totally asking to get raped." I am proud to say that there was an immediate uproar, and although he was allowed to say his piece, he was pretty well shut down by the end of the day.

For some ungodly reason, I was making my breakfast spaghetti this morning and this guy's words came to mind.

Now, let's dispose of the obvious "what a douche" and "let's throw this guy off a cliff" and "how does a vagina HANG OUT?" reactions for a minute, and assume that everything that this guy said is absolutely correct.

Here we go.

Here is the first given: Chicks who walk around with their vaginas hanging out are totally asking to get raped.

Here is the second given: The first given has something to do with the equality of the sexes.

Now, the "equality of the sexes" thing leads me to believe that the first given should apply to men on the same level as it applies to women, right? So, if a man (or, to use the proper contextual vernacular, a "bro") is walking around with his penis hanging out, he's asking to get raped. Makes sense.

But hang on a minute. It's very much possible to rape a man's penis, but (judging by reported incidents, natch) it's far more common for men to be raped in a penetration-scenario.

Let's go ahead and eliminate oral rape only for the sake of this argument, since men and women let their mouths hang out with equal frequency, and thus, the asking-to-get-raped factor is a constant there.

That only leaves one logistically probable method of rape - the behind. Yes, ears and noses and bellybuttons are possible, but that's another discussion altogether.

So, anal rape is the possibility that's really left over for men. Thus, it stands to reason that if a bro walks around with his ass hanging out, he's totally asking to get raped. After all, if men can't control their rape-urges around vagina-dangling women, how can they possibly control those same urges around ass-dangling men? They are definitely asking for it.

And yet. Sagging of pants (which tends to leave the behind in an undeniably provocative position) is considered a display of thug-life masculinity. A plumbers crack? Well, it tends to be embarrassing, but it's generally just considered humorous. I have never once heard someone say "oh, that guy was sagging his pants? He was begging to get raped!"

No matter how much a pants-sagging bro has had to drink, he's not asking to get raped. If a pants-sagging, intoxicated bro goes up to another bros room, he is not asking to get raped. Even if a pants-sagging, intoxicated bro alone in a bedroom with another bro starts making out with that other bro, he is not. Asking. To get raped.

Replace "pants-sagging" with "scantily clad" and "bro" with "chick," and half of the people reading this blog would probably read those scenarios and think "well, yeah, but come on - she was kind of asking for it, right?"

Why is that? Is it because we consider anal rape to be the purview of pedophiles and prisoners? Is it because we assume that bros will respect the boundaries of other bros, enough so that they won't rape each other? Is it because we assign a level of strength to a non-consenting bro - even if he's drunk or otherwise impaired - that he'll be able to fight off the pursuant bro?

Or maybe it's because we find the whole idea - that any bro would ever ask to get raped - to be completely and utterly ludicrous.

Now tell me this: if you're all for equality of the sexes - and I can't fathom why you would be reading this of all blogs if you weren't - why would you ever assume that the same idea, but about chicks instead of bros, is reasonable?

Because just like the pants-on-the-ground bro, a chick - whether her vagina is tucked neatly away, or flapping freely in the breeze - is never, ever, ever, totally asking to get raped.

Just a thought.

The Saddest Bear

2010-06-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

There was a bear in the woods and he was ever so sad.

Every day Eva went down to see him, and she tried to cheer him up.

On Monday, she took him the brightest flower she could find,

but the bear was not impressed.

"It will just wilt and fade," he side.

On Tuesday she baked him a cake and placed a cherry on top.

"Once I eat it there will be nothing left," the bear complained.

On Wednesday Eva tried to read him her favourite book, but he shook his head.

"You'll get to the end too quickly," the bear said.

"Once we've finished we can read it again."

"But then I'll already know what happens," said the bear, shaking his head.

On Thursday she brought along a game for the bear to play.

"I'll only end up losing," he whispered, and turned away.

On Friday the bear asked "What have you brought me today?"
"I love you," Eva replied, and she hugged the big, sad bear.

I found this story today on stumbleupon and I love it so much that I want to share it with the whole world.

Coconut Crabs - nature's nightmares

2010-06-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

Is "Kill With Fire" your first reaction? Are you, perhaps, feeling justified for having that slightly creepy, looking-over-your-shoulder feeling when you take out the trash at night?

This image circulated around the internet a month or so ago with the title "WHAT IS THIS THING?!?"

The answer is: a coconut crab. Here's a list of things you never wanted to know about a whole species of creature:

- They grow up to 3 feet long

- They can weigh up to 9 pounds

- They live up to 30 years

- They like to climb coconut trees and tear apart coconuts with their bare claws, just for fun.

- They sometimes like to eat rats.

Ready? Are you sure? Okay, here's the last one...

- They may have eaten Amelia Earhart.

As many a troll will be overjoyed to point out, nobody is sure that they ate her - but that's like saying that nobody is sure that Crystal Skull was a travesty. Science is pretty sure that these dudes found Amelia, tore apart her body, ate her flesh, and kept her bones on their respective mantles as crab souvenirs.

With that in mind, here's some other Coco-Crabs to keep your subconscious satisfied. Sweet dreams tonight.

You walk out of your house one morning to get the paper and this is napping outside your front door:

...and just think, you freaked out at that spider you found near your bed.

Mark Twain Quotes

2010-06-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

As the long-awaited sequel to Tallulah Bankhead quotes, Undomesticated is proud to present a compendium of the best-ever recorded words of Mark Twain:

- "Golf is a good walk spoiled."

- "America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress."

- "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."

- "I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices."

- "I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."

- "Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over."

Cabbage Patch... Mantids

2010-06-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

A week in Vegas served me well, and now I'm back to haunt your reader feeds and computer screens.

To reward your patience:

About a year ago, I started finding grown-up praying mantises. I recalled my father telling me that Praying Mantises are the T-Rex of the insect kingdom, eating any garden pest they can catch. So, naturally, I started carrying around a little tupperware, catching mantises, and putting them in my garden. When it rains, they come visit the dry part of the garden wall right outside my patio door:

I did not plan for the whole "babies" thing.

So I came home from grocery shopping yesterday, and lo! There is a little green spot on my garden gate! Being a curious and inquisitive type, I looked super close and it was a wee baby mantis.

I ran inside, scaring the heck out of Kitty (who does not like being vaulted over), grabbed the phone, and called Mr. Undomesticated, and gushed.

I am not sure how to put a diaper on this thing.

Who you gonna call?

2010-05-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

As you all may have heard, a recession is happening.

As you all should darn well know, libraries are awesome.

The New York Public Library decided to put those two facts together and hire Improv Everywhere to perform. The results:

I am pretty sure the asian lady in the last two photos used to be my art teacher.

To see the video in full (which you ought to):
Watch it stat!

*Images lovingly stolen from Super Punch.

Mommy Mod

2010-05-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

I am not a mom, but I plan to be someday.

When I am, I will have a Stroller-scooter, only motorized.

This brand new product features a sliding scooter base that slides in to make the stroller more like a regular stroller, plus a seat belt for little Undomesticated Jr.

(It's only a prototype now, but just imagine the possibilities...)

California world geography

2010-05-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

Check out this map. Any ideas what it's mapping?

It’s an old “Paramount Studio map of California’s geographical facsimiles”—that is, places that can stand in for other places.

As a CA resident, I'm especially proud of "Sherwood Forest" and "Africa".

Acting win

2010-05-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

This made me incredibly happy. I only hope it happens to me someday:

The 70-year-old actor is rehearsing Waiting For Godot in Melbourne, Australia, and was sitting in his tramp costume having a break when a passer-by gave him an Australian dollar. He said: "During the dress rehearsal of Godot, I crouched by the stage door of the Comedy Theatre, getting some air, my bowler hat at my feet (and) seeing an unkempt old man down on his luck, a passer-by said, 'Need some help, brother?' and put a dollar in my hat. Sir Ian said: "I hope the Melbourne audiences will be as generous." - Telegraph

Infusorama

2010-05-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

This is from a long long time ago:

My mom noticed and, being the best mom ever, totes found it in Germany and surprised me with it last night!

Today, I took it for a test drive and found it most satisfactory:

Pictured in the background: my tastefully yellow vinyl countertops.

Just like a real submarine, the end of this yellow submarine pops off for easy loading.

If I filled it to capacity, I could probably get five or six mugs of tea out of this thing.

As is, I just wanted the one. An ominous several breaches within the body of the submarine allow copious amounts of delicious, delicious flavor to seep out.

---

Do you have a superior infuser? I doubt it - but if you are operating under such an illusion, please feel free to share stories about it in the comments.

Favorite Thing #4: Zoe Saldana

2010-05-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

Yes.

In an interview with The Independent, Zoe Saldana has proved how amazing she is. After playing Neytiri in Avatar and Ohura in the latest Star Trek movie, she's developed a reputation for being the bomb diggity. Now, she proves that she's earned it:

On being a member of the Boy's Club:

"I love working with the boys, and I probably do that more than most actresses. I got to do it on Star Trek, Pirates of the Caribbean and now this," she says, clearly relishing her position as the only female cast-member of The Losers... "And these kinds of films – sci-fi and action – with all-male crews are just the kind of films I want to make. I love girls, don't get me wrong. I'd do a Jane Austen film any day. But, as a woman, to get to play rough characters that are usually part of more male-driven stories, gives me a lot of freedom and versatility in terms of my career."

Let's break that down: being tough and driven gives this woman a lot of freedom and versatility in terms of her career. She's empowered, she's mighty, and she's not scared to say that she's taking charge of her ambitions.

The joke involved a goat.

On something that nearly any woman working in a largely male environment has experienced:

"When you're the only girl in a cast, I almost feel like you have twice as much work to do because you don't want to be singled out. You're already the only girl, so if you're the one that says, 'I can't do this' or whatever, it's gonna be like 'Oh, my gosh, she's wimping out because she's a girl', so I toughed it out."

On taking on more traditional roles:

When asked if she holds a secret burning desire for more traditional female roles, she frowns*, "Like the damsel in distress? Yes, of course. But I want to play great characters, too. Right now, I feel like Hollywood has made a living out of portraying women to be such canker sores; like we just have to be rescued all the time because we're so incompetent when in reality sometimes art needs to reflect what's going on in real life, and in today's society – especially in American society – women are doing so much.

*Emphasis mine.

Most women, when asked an uncomfortable question like "yes, you're strong and wonderful, but aren't you dying to play a weak woman?" will laugh and turn it into a joke. I know I would - but this girl knows how to handle herself. A question like this is downright insulting, and she handles it with... panache.

On the sequel to Enterprise:

"Trust me, I email J J [Abrams] every other day, just like the rest of us, and we're just like, 'What the fuck, dude?'... I heard through the grapevine that we might be starting back into the Enterprise next year... As for Uhura and Spock? Everyone's putting in their two cents. I don't care as long as I get to kick some ass."

Romance? Whatevs. Ass-kickery? YES.

Looking up

2010-05-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

thxthxthx.com

Arizona - in living color!

2010-05-06T10:57:00.001-07:00

Homemade Pop-Tarts!

2010-04-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

I refuse to apologize for my vast lack of postage - I'm teching my play this week and my schedule pretty much just has "AUUUUUUUUUUUGH" written in all the days.

Also, this is the hundredth post! Hooray!

That being said, here's a recipe for homemade poptarts! Photos and many ideas from Smitten Kitchen.

First person to make me a batch of these babies wins a billion internets.

Pictures first:

Dying to try one yet? More after the jump...

Homemade Pop Tarts

STEP ONE: Pick your filling

Your options here are pretty much limitless, but let's be reasonable and stick to a few: Cinnamon, Jam, or Nutella. Just for the record, you'd be crazy not to go for Nutella.

Here are ingredients and assembly instructions, so you can choose based on your comfort level in the kitchen.

*Filling type*	Cinnamon	Jam	Nutella
*INGREDIENTS*	.5 C Brown Sugar	.75 C Jam	Nutella
	1.5 tsp cinnamon	1 tbsp cornstarch mixed with 1 tbsp cold water
	4 tsp flour
	1 large egg (for brushing)
*Assembly*	Whisk together the sugar, cinnamon, and flour.	Mix the jam with the cornstarch/water in a small saucepan. Bring the mixture to a boil, and simmer, stirring, for 2 minutes. Remove from the heat, and set aside to cool.	Buy some Nutella.

STEP TWO: Assemble your supplies

For the pastry, you need...

2 cups (8 1/2 ounces) all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup (2 sticks or 8 ounces) unsalted butter, cut into pats

1 large egg*

2 tablespoons (1 ounce) milk

1 additional large egg (for brushing)*

*For all intents and purposes, Egg Beaters (the kind with Yolk) work pretty darn well for this. Go for it, Costco shoppers!

Step Three: Make the dough

1. Whisk together the flour, sugar, and salt.

2. Work in the butter with your until pea-sized lumps of yellow are still visible, and the mixture holds together when you squeeze it. If you’ve used a food processor, transfer the mixture to a large bowl.

3. Whisk an egg and the milk together in a separate bowl, and stir them into the dough. Mix just until everything is cohesive, kneading briefly on a well-floured counter if necessary.

4. Divide the dough in half (approximately 8 1/4 ounces each), and shape each half into a smooth rectangle, about 3×5 inches.

5. You can roll this out immediately or wrap each half in plastic and refrigerate for up to 2 days (but why would you?)

Step 4: Assemble the tarts

6. If the dough has been chilled, remove it from the refrigerator and allow it to soften and become workable, about 15 to 30 minutes. Place one piece on a lightly floured work surface, and roll it into a rectangle about 1/8″ thick, large enough that you can trim it to an even 9″ x 12″. Repeat with the second piece of dough. Set trimmings aside for later shenanigans. Cut each piece of dough into thirds – you’ll form nine 3″ x 4″ rectangles.

7. Beat the additional egg and brush it over the entire surface of the first dough. Place a heaping tablespoon of filling into the center of each rectangle, keeping a bare 1/2-inch perimeter around it. Place a second rectangle of dough atop the first, using your fingertips to press firmly around the pocket of filling, sealing the dough well on all sides. Press the tines of a fork all around the edge of the rectangle. Repeat with remaining tarts.

8. Gently place the tarts on a lightly greased or parchment-lined baking sheet. Prick the top of each tart multiple times with a fork, so that steam has an escape hatch.

9. Refrigerate the tarts (they don’t need to be covered) for 30 minutes while your oven heats up to 350.

---

Interlude: Shenanigans

Remember those dough trimmings we saved? Sprinkle them with cinnamon sugar (and if you're feeling bold, a little nutmeg) and bake them for 13-15 minutes while your pastry chills. Woohoo!

Step 5: Bake them suckas

Remove the tarts form the fridge, and bake them for 20 to 25 minutes, until they’re a light golden brown. Cool in pan on rack.

Step 6: Noms

The Kitty Cycle of gardening

2010-04-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't been gardening for very long, but I've already learned a law of Gardening Science called the Kitty Cycle. It begins when I (The Optimist) buy a flower labeled "cat repellent! KITTIES HATE THIS FLOWER!" and excitedly plant it all around my garden.

The next morning, I watch smugly as the Giant Orange Cat that loooooves my garden comes by to smell the flowers. "HAH!" I think, as I sit by my window. "Just you wait, kitty."

Once I overcome my horror, I resolve to buy an even MORE cat-repellent plant - the kind that emits anti-cat rays so strong that tigers at the Oakland zoo will start to sweat.

Also included in the cycle are "sprinkling hot pepper around" and "planting mines underground."

*Scientists still struggle to understand why Big Orange Cats love my garden so much, but there is strong evidence indicating that they are "just plain mean."

Just because

2010-04-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

Volcanic Lightning (or) WHYYYYY?!?

2010-04-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

Around the internet

How much scarier can you get than a volcanic eruption - that is to say, the earth turning itself inside out at hundreds of miles per hour with no way for you to escape it?

Easy: add lightning.

The most intimidating photos of volcanic eruptions almost always include lightning surrounding a big black cloud that glows orange from it's magma core. Why does this happen?

There are two dueling explanations.

Explanation #1

Explanation #2

Ash is normally electrically neutral, but ash coming out of volcanoes is SO HOT that many of the particles are charged - both positively and negatively. Those particles kind of freak out and then all of a sudden for a reason science isn't totally certain about, lightning happens.

The end.

---

So, which explanation is correct, readers?

"We will meet you head on"

2010-04-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

White Supremacists at a rally in Los Angeles on 4/18; the protest against immigration soon erupted into violence between protesters and counter-protesters. Sometime during the fighting a neo-nazi shouted "We will meet you head on!"*

*If the good guys had said it, it would be lauded. As is, I'm going to subject this slogan to endless "apply directly to the forehead" jokes.

Ask this guy "juice or milk"... he'll say juice.

2010-04-19T17:08:00.000-07:00

They start so young.

The battle between Zeus and Hephaestus

2010-04-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

Ash and lightning over the Icelandic eruption.

Cookie cutters

2010-04-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

The poster selected for the Love Your Body campaign.

Congrats go to Shannon Wu [Orange Village, OH] for a marvelous poster! Remember, everyone - it's what's inside that counts. That includes cholesterol and tumors, and it excludes stretch marks and grey hairs.

How to Succeed In Business, Part 1: stop being a douche

2010-04-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

Here's how to fail at business:

Here's how to succeed at business:

I just saved you about a hundred billion dollars in self-help books.

Here's the deal:

1. Constructive criticism requires you to contribute. Saying "That totally blows!" and not offering any improvements - or even offering to help with the improvements - makes people want to punch you in the nose instead of giving you money and respect.

2. Putting people down makes them not want to work with you. Newsflash: People are getting empowered, and they don't have to work with you. It is your privilege to have employees, assistants, and volunteers. If you treat them like crap? You'll be SOL.

3. Business is high school, but without grades. If you're a dick to one person, everyone you work with will eventually know about it. Oh yes - your business partners and employees will not hesitate to tell everyone about how you berate them with no warning.

And people who didn't want to be your friend in high school because you were a douche? Well, they won't want to patronize you either.

So hey - don't feel bad. Just stop being such a colossal drag on everyone, and try... you know. Being constructive. Adding ideas instead of detracting from the ideas of others. Bringing positive energy into the mix.

Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

Next time on HtSiB: Actually contribute an effort!

Cop or Fraud?

2010-04-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

As a follow-up on yesterday's article: how can you tell if that guy with the flashing lights is really an officer of the law? We've all heard stories - many of them true - of rapists and murderers who pose as police officers. It's tempting to just assume the worst and exchange a high-speed chase for your personal safety. At the same time... well, it's just not a great idea to go on the lam on the off-chance that the cop behind you... isn't.

Here are a few things to watch out for when you're getting pulled over:

1. Were you doing anything wrong? Regardless of what you will tell the officer when he leans into your window ("I swear, I thought the speed limit out here was 95!"), you usually know when you're speeding, weaving, or otherwise breaking traffic laws. If you're doing 67 on a dark, lonesome stretch of freeway? Be suspicious.

2. Is it a cop car? The kinds of cars used for traffic stops are almost always clearly marked - but that's not necessarily a black-and-white issue*. One thing you can be sure of is that a police vehicle will be in dazzling condition. If the front bumper is falling off of that ratty blue chicken truck pulling you over, your spider sense should tingle.

3. Ask to see credentials. If you're suspicious, first keep your doors locked and roll down your window just enough to slip out your license and registration. Either before or after you do this, ask/request/demand ID. Yes, it's child's play to get a fake badge - but if the officer in question won't let you look at his creds or gets belligerent about your request, it's within your rights to ask that another officer be called to the scene. If your cop refuses, he's not a real cop and you are in some danger.

4. Ask for an escort and call... well, the cops. If things are really not sitting right, ask the officer to escort you to the nearest police station. On the way there, get on your phone (illegal or not) and call the police, and tell them what's going on. If the guy behind you is actually a cop, they'll be able to tell you. Furthermore, he may be informed of what it is about him that makes him seem uncop-esque - an important thing for him to know. If he's not really an officer of the law? He'll probably take off - and it would be a great idea to get his license plate number.

Drive safely, and never forget - it's your right to know that you're safe.

* HA

Help make money for us to give away!

2010-04-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Undomesticated is sponsoring a team for the Avon walk for [research towards curing] breast cancer!

This should really be the breast cancer awareness logo.

Our goal is to raise at least two thousand dollars.

We are not asking you, loyal readers, for donations (although if you'd like to make a direct one, get in touch).

What we are doing, though, is asking you to click on ads. Every cent that we make from ads from now until the first day of the walk - that's July 10th - will go toward finding a cure for breast cancer. Every time you click, Undomesticated earns about 25 cents.

So click away! Four clicks a day donates a dollar - and those add up fast.

Thanks for your support!

-UnD.

I like these graphics alot

2010-04-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

Lovingly reposted from Hyperbole and a Half - The David Bowie of the internet.

As a grammatically conscientious person who frequents internet forums and YouTube, I have found it necessary to develop a few coping mechanisms. When someone types out "u" instead of "you," instead of getting mad, I imagine them having only one finger on each hand and then their actions seem reasonable. If I only had one finger on each hand, I'd leave out unnecessary letters too!

If I come across a person who seems to completely ignore the existence of apostrophes and capital letters and types things like "im an eagle and im typing with my talons, so dont make fun of me cuz this is hard," I like to imagine that they actually are an eagle typing with their talons. It would be a hassle if you had to hop in the air and use your feet to karate-chop two keys simultaneously every time you wanted to use the shift key to make a capital letter. Also, eagles lack manual dexterity, so I can understand why they'd want to leave out apostrophes. Eagles are all about efficiency.

But there is one grammatical mistake that I particularly enjoy encountering. It has become almost fun for me to come across people who take the phrase "a lot" and condense it down into one word, because when someone says "alot," this is what I imagine:

The Alot is an imaginary creature that I made up to help me deal with my compulsive need to correct other people's grammar. It kind of looks like a cross between a bear, a yak and a pug, and it has provided hours of entertainment for me in a situation where I'd normally be left feeling angry and disillusioned with the world.

For example, when I read the sentence "I care about this alot," this is what I imagine:

Similarly, when someone says "alot of _______", I picture an Alot made out of whatever they are talking about.

If someone says something like "I feel lonely alot" or "I'm angry alot," I'm going to imagine them standing there with an emo haircut, sharing their feelings with an Alot.

The Alot is incredibly versatile.

So the next time you are reading along and you see some guy ranting about how he is "alot better at swimming than Michael Phelps," instead of getting angry, you can be like "You're right! Alots are known for their superior swimming capabilities."

A woman's burden

2010-04-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

Are you a woman?
If so, then you can probably identify what the following have in common:

- A mostly empty parking lot at night.
- Your bedroom at night when you're all alone in the house.
- A long, empty stretch of road when taillights start flashing in your rearview.
- A sidewalk in a quiet neighborhood.
- A crowded (or even semicrowded) bar or party.
- Any man's apartment, whether you know him well or not.

Lost? Here's the solution to this particular puzzle: These are all places that women have to be hyperaware of the fact that they might get raped.

This is a part of life that you simply cannot understand unless you are a woman. Just like I will probably never actually know what it feels like to get an inconvenient erection, men simply do not know what it feels like to walk to my car when it's getting dark out and I know nobody else is around. Women are taught from an early enough age that we must be vigilant - that guy jogging behind you on the reservoir trail? He might be about to tackle you from behind. Wearing your hair in a ponytail? Don't walk by yourself down the street. Check the backseat of your car before you get in. Keep your drink in your sight at all times, lest someone drug you. Scream "fire," because people don't come running if you scream "rape."

I'm not going to go off on how many men, unbelievably, still believe that rape is their right; nor will I unwind a tangent about how men who say they would never rape a woman respond that they would totally do a chick if she was clearly too drunk to say no. I'm not even going to mention the fact that this is not fair - because that's obvious and doesn't need to be said.

What I am going to mention, though, is that we understand that you might not be a rapist. You might be a perfectly great guy who just wants to hold a nice young lady's hand and maybe get a chance to kiss her goodnight.

But, gentlemen, don't be offended when we won't ride home with you. Don't get mad if we don't feel comfortable letting you walk us up. And don't feel bad that the girl you're jogging behind keeps looking over her shoulder. In America - and around the world - women are taught that it's our responsibility to be careful. To watch out for guys who aren't like you, who will grab a woman's ponytail or take a short skirt as an invitation. It's not your fault, I'm sure - but we can't afford to assume that... because what if it is?

Just because

2010-04-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Next time you are feeling stressed out, remember...

The Pope Thing

2010-04-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

So there's this thing going on. You may have heard about it. It's this thing with the Catholic Church and molestation.

Pope Benedict the 16th (aka Pope Palpatine, aka Joseph Ratzinger) has been having something of a tough time - and frankly, I've felt kind of sorry for the guy. After all, John Paul - the dreamiest Pope ever to be the voice of God - is a tough act to follow.

So I've tried to be patient. When the Pope went to Africa - home to more than 22.4 million AIDS sufferers, an epidemic that is greatly assisted in it's battle against humanity by the sexual massacre inflicted by the Congolese army (For more on that) - and said "don't use condoms to prevent AIDS," I didn't call him an idiot more than once or twice. And I was pretty shocked and angry, but I tried to be patient.

Well, now there's this whole molestation thing. About 2.5% of clergy have somehow been sexually involved with minors, according to the internet. The church has been involved in covering for these clergy members - moving them around instead of defrocking them (a word I hadn't heard until today but which I think should be much more popular than it is at present), covering up abuse, paying off families. Everyone is mad at the church.

And the church seems to think that the best way to respond to this is by making sure that everyone knows that the Catholic Church doesn't molest people any more than anybody else out there.

Readers, I need a minute for a private discussion with the Catholic Church. Talk amongst yourselves.

Listen up, Catholic church. I hate having to say this, but it seems to work well on small children, and y'all are behaving like toddlers right now so I figure it's worth a shot: If all of the other youth-oriented organizations in the world jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? And then try to cover up for it?

If any other organization in the whole wide world had this rate of abuse and concealment, they would be shut down. They would be crucified*. For Pete's sake, look at how we still feel about Enron:

So, Catholic Church, you are pretty lucky right now. Pope, you are pretty lucky. You aren't a very popular Pope (somewhat unpope-ular, one might say), but people are still being pretty nice to you. Other than this guy, who wants you arrested for crimes against humanity.

Take advantage of this opportunity - this millionth chance that you are being given. Rid yourself of the thousands of clergy members who take advantage of their millionth chances, and who take advantage of your followers.

Okay, readers, sorry about that. Didn't mean to exclude you. Where were we?

Oh yeah. Sex crimes are a sin. So practice what you preach: confess, cleanse yourself, repent, and (hopefully) be forgiven.

*Pun absolutely intended.

We're baa-aaaaack

2010-04-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, loyal followers! After a busy month filled with half-hearted, emotionally charged attempts at blog-postins and toss-turnin' nights of "nobody reads this crap anyways", undomesticated has decided to make a swift and unmerciful comeback! So, hide your children (a lot of the content on here isn't too appropriate for their innocent little eyeballs, anyway) and get ready for a bunch more stuff you could never ever have lived without.

In summary and closing: Undomesticated is officially reopened for business!

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever

2010-03-07T19:54:00.000-08:00

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

Thanks, Cracked.

Take That, Steve Jobs.

2010-03-07T18:12:00.001-08:00

Today, in Sci-Fi Movies Are Real news...

2010-03-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

This is real.

Some scientists wanted to know where sharks go when they aren't eating people, so they went ahead and hauled some sharks up onto a boat. The scientists that remained intact after this venture put some tracking tags on the sharks and then let them go.

The tags revealed that sharks, like whales and birds and rich folks, migrate seasonally.

Where do they go?

Through the Miraculous Thinkings Powers of Science, we now know the answer.

Science!

Here's the deal: The sharks all seemed to migrate to an area severely lacking in just about any life... with two exceptions. Sperm whales, who are known to hang out with giant squids; and also, some giant squids.

The sharks dove down to super deep depths, where giant squids live.

A little while later, a giant squid washed up on a nearby shore with a bunch of bites taken out of it.

Science easily deduces this: The sharks are battling (and defeating) the giant squids in the scary-dark depths of the ocean.

Next time you decide to go scuba diving, keep your eyes peeled.

Which are you?

2010-03-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

I like to think that someday I'll be able to achieve the Super-Wizard.

Just a thought...

2010-03-03T13:28:00.001-08:00

Progress

2010-03-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

In 1989, the Loma Prieta made San Francisco's Central Freeway about as safe for cars to drive on as a huge throwing spike would be for children to play with .

As a result, the onramp previously meant to bring motorists soaring above Octavia street has been totally abandoned and useless for the past twenty years - as have the empty lots below.

Farmers have now taken it over, and are tossing soil and, presumably, lots of animal poop into the lots and onto the old onramp. All of Laguna Street between Oak and Fell is going to be turned into a farm.

Awesome? YES. How often in movies do the villains say "we need you to leave your family's farm so we can put a freeway through here!" I foresee a bright future of theatrical villainy.

...it begins. *Mustache twirling*

Sadly, the project is only temporary: the various lots being transformed in this citywide project will be used to grow things until companies are ready to develop them, at which point they'll become houses. Because of the two-year life expectancy of what is becoming Hayes Valley Farm, no asphalt is being ripped up and the plants there will mostly be transportable. The farmers will be planting oodles of putted fruit trees to be moved all around the city - with the soil being reserved for other plants meant for pest control.

Too. Cool.

Katie Brownell, we salute you.

2010-02-26T15:43:00.000-08:00

You can't see the god-like glow because it's hidden under the hat.

Also, that glove hides the iron fist with which she rules baseball.

Allow me to amend that: with which she rules boys baseball.

She's eleven years old and that might seem weird, but wait until you read her stats. These are from a game she played against an all-boys little league team.

6 innings pitched (A complete game in Little League)

18 batters faced

0 earned runs allowed

0 hits allowed

0 walks given

18 strikeouts

All that and her batting average is .714. That means that at an age when I was figuring out how to walk in a straight line and chew gum at the same time, this girl is batting a higher average than Derek Jeter had in 2005 when he won his second consecutive gold glove (wikipedia makes it look like I know stuff about Baseball!).

This kid is in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Frankly, at this rate, she oughta BE the Baseball Hall of Fame, but that would lead to a lot of awkward jokes come high school.

Tallulah Bankhead quotes

2010-02-25T16:03:00.000-08:00

Tallulah Bankhead was a brilliantly vulgar American celebrity back in the yonder days of the U.S. and that's just about all you need to know about her. She was deliciously fierce and quotable - so keep in mind that she said everything below in the years between 1910 and 1965:

- Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know - I've been using it for years.

- I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others give me stiff neck or lockjaw.

- In response to reporter Earl Wilson asking if she had ever been mistaken for a man: No, darling. Have you?

- If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

- They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They ought to photograph me through linoleum.

- After seeing an old flame for the first time in years: I thought I told you to wait in the car?

- Good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

- My father warned me about men and booze but he never said a thing about women or cocaine.

The Tru'ng Sisters

2010-02-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

Two Vietnamese girls.

They spend their respective childhoods learning martial arts and military strategy and watching the Chinese torment their neighbours.

One of them gets married, and her husband decides to become a revolutionary. He's summarily killed by the Chinese. In AD 39, the girls decide it's time to take arms. They repel the Chinese from their village, assemble an army of women, take back 65 citadels from the Chinese, and liberate Nam Viet.

They resist the Chinese for over two years.

SHIIIIII-

The Chinese say to themselves "enough is enough" and put together a massive army to crush the native fighters. The Chinese army decides that, in order to defeat these women, they have to scare them. So the Chinese army goes into battle naked. The following events are resultant:

A pregnant noblewoman on the front lines gives birth, and continues to fight with her baby in one arm and her sword in the other.

This, but outside.

The sisters commit suicide to protect their honor.

And they become the national heroes of Vietnam.

Boudica

2010-02-23T16:23:00.000-08:00

Boudica (aka lots of other spellings because she's from a long time ago) was the queen of the Brittonic Iceni tribe in modern-day England(ish). When her husband died, he was nice enough to leave his kingdom jointly to his daughters and to the Roman Empire.

Except that the Romans don't recognize women as queens.

"Elizabeth? ...Sorry, not ringing a bell. I'm bad with faces, I guess..."

So they beat Boudica and raped her daughters in public.

So she led a rebellion. She and her troops destroyed a few cities, including then-Londinium (Three guesses as to what modern-day city stands in it's place). There was spike-impaling, breast-cutoffery, and sewing-of-people-to-themselves. A good time was had by all.

Finally, the Romans had enough and used a classic wedge-ring tactic to defeat Boudica and the Britons - but not before her army was 230,000 strong.

Today, one of the greatest anti-imperialist female warriors of all time is used as a symbol for... well, for British Empire. The city she destroyed? Well, her statue is there to "protect" it.

No, seriously.

Grace O'Malley, Pirate Queen

2010-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Grace O'Malley is an Irish legend. Born into the O'Malley pirate clan, Grace wanted to accompany her father into Spain. He excused his refusal to take her by saying that her long hair would get tangled in the ropes on deck - a legit reason, to be sure. In an attempt to embarrass dad into taking her along, she cut off all her hair.

It worked, and then she was a pirate.

She gave birth to one of her sons (there were three of them, plus a daughter) during a pirate raid on her pirate ship.

She divorced her second husband by standing up in a window of his castle and saying "I dismiss you." Because she was in possession of the castle at the moment of the divorce decree, she got to keep it.

She tried to show up unannounced for dinner at Howth Castle, home of the 8th Baron of Howth. The gates were closed to her because the family was eating dinner. In response, she kidnapped the Baron's son. She only released him when the 8th Baron promised to always keep the gates open for unexpected visitors and to always set an extra place at the dinner table.

Which they still do - presumably because they fear her wrath to this day.

The best anecdote I've ever heard about her, though, is that of her meeting with Queen Elizabeth. Here's how it went down:

- An english fella took Grace's half-brother captive.

- Grace petitioned Liz to get him released.

- They arranged a meeting, because Liz was THAT impressed by Grace from afar.

- Grace refused to bow to Liz. Someone gave Grace a hanky, and after she used it, she threw it into the fire.

- People asked why, and said that a handkerchief could be washed and reused. She responded thusly: "Apparently, the Irish have higher standards of cleanliness." TO THE QUEEN. OF ENGLAND.

She got told.

Deborah Samson Gannet

2010-02-21T15:49:00.000-08:00

A.K.A. Robert Shurtlif.

Take Mulan. Then move her to America and make her about twenty times badass-er. Ta da! It's Deborah Samson Gannet.

Girlfriend got tired of not fighting in the revolutionary war, so she disguised herself as a man. She was already tall and well-educated (while all women, naturally, are short and ignorant) so nobody - not even her own mother - recognized her.

Well hello, you handsome young devil!

During her first battle, she got a couple of musket balls in her thigh. To keep the doctors from figuring out her secret, she removed them herself with a penknife and a sewing needle.

Practice now, ladies.

During a later battle, she came down with a fever. The doctor who was treating her figured her out... but didn't tell anybody. Neither did his wife and daughters, who helped treat her. Later when her superior officer found out, he didn't tell anyone either - but gave her an honorable discharge.

Later, she fought tooth and nail for her military pension. And they gave it to her.

Female Fierceness

2010-02-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

Today, when someone says "fierce," we generally mean this:

Fierce.

I would like to advocate a reclaiming of the word "fierce" - for women like this:

...and this...

...and this...

So, I'm devoting this week to REALLY fierce women.

FEMALE POWER GOOOOOO

REPOST: Forgiving for a friend's assault

2010-02-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

From The Frisky: Could you forgive the man who tried to rape your best friend?

"I was never so angry as when she flew back home from halfway across the country to tell me that this man tried to rape her. I wanted to kill him. I saw her bruised legs, and I wanted to fly back, buy a shotgun, and shoot this man. I’d met him before, the last time I visited, and he hadn’t seemed like a rapist. He bought me drinks and played a Nancy Sinatra song on the guitar while we sang along. Now he’d hurt my friend, and as I held her, I wanted to whisper that no one would ever find his body. That everything would be OK...

This was years ago. She’s doing well and not suffering any of the statistically likely horrors that too frequently visit victims of sexual assault. We hadn’t discussed this incident in a long time, instead talking about wine, art, and whether... romantic comedies are watchable or not. Then, I saw that she and he had become Facebook friends. I felt sick. What the heck happened? This man was violent and cruel. I still wanted him dead. When we spoke next, I rounded the conversation around to what I’d seen online. “I didn’t know how to tell you,” she said, “but he’s sorry.” He was so sorry, and remorseful and full of grief for what he’d done. They’d talked. She forgave him. But I haven’t...

Heavy stuff. What I want to know is, what do you think? Is it a woman's place - perhaps her duty? - to feel the hate that a friend must move on from?

Super Awesome Makeup Tricks!

2010-02-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

Now that coffee week is over, I am feeling in something of a slump.
So, here's something girly!

Super Awesome Makeup Trick #1
Put a dab of lip gloss at the inside and outside corners of your eyes. They will look dewey and soft-focusy!
Note: I have no idea if this will give you gloss-related eyeball diseases, but at the very least, use a different gloss for your eyes than you do for your lips. Mouths are gross.

SAMT #2
They always say it, but I never did it until now: put a little tiny bit of something shimmery and metallic at the inside corners of your eyes (under the gloss). This will make you look way awake-ier! Don't do this if your eyes are way far apart, though - it will make them look farther apart.

SAMT #3
Use a tinted undereye moisturizer every morning. This will (1) eliminate puff; (2) decrease shadows; (3) decrease wrinkles; and (4) make the rest of your makeup stick a little better.

SAMT #4
LOTION EVERYWHERE. Dry skin = old yucky dry scaly flaky skin that doesn't smell like coconuts.

SAMT #5
Okay, last one: exfoliate regularly, but not TOO often. Too much exfoliation can lead to skin irritation and dryness. On the other hand, a bi-weekly rubdown with an apricot scrub will make you glow like a pregnant unicorn!

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

Are you one of those people who hates Valentine's day because it's a hallmark holiday, fabricated by the axis of greeting card companies, confectioners and jewelers?
Guess who's wrong? That's right - you are! Yes, hallmark has cashed in, but Valentine's day has been around a lot longer than Hallmark. Check it out:

Valentine's Day Today
- February 14
- People exchange love notes, gifts, kisses.
-Lonelyhearts are bummed out

Ancient Rome - Between February 13 and February 15, Lupercalia took place - a festival celebrating fertility, during which couples would exchange romantic missives. This festival wasn't outlawed until Pope Gelasius, patron pope of hair products, came into town. It's been widely theorized that, like Christmas, Valentine's day was a pagan festival absorbed and modified by the church to draw pagans in to the Catholic face.

496 A.D. - The very same Pope Gel declares Saint Valentine's Day to be a thing - and, presumably, ordains that on February 14, the clergy may exchange communion wafers with candy hearts.

1600ish - Shakespeare writes a verse in Hamlet for Ophelia, lamenting the loss of her virginity to a crazy guy who never called her back (ouch!). Sure, she's crazy at the time, but it's pretty easy to figure out that she's talking about Hamlet:

To-morrow is Saint Valentine's day,

All in the morning betime,
And I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.
Then up he rose, and donn'd his clothes,
And dupp'd the chamber-door;
Let in the maid, that out a maid
Never departed more.

—William Shakespeare , Hamlet, Act IV, Scene 5

So suck on that, cynics! And stop being so grumpy - you have an excuse to eat a ton of candy, get drunk, and set fire to someone's t-shirt that they left in your possession that one time.

Latte Art

2010-02-13T23:44:00.000-08:00

How? That's what I want to know. How does latte art happen? The cute barista at Peet's puts a heart on top of my latte, and once I get over my initial twitterpation I just want to know how he does it.

Well, coffee week is the perfect time to do it. Let's go!

Step One: Pull your espresso, steam your milk. I'm not going to tell you how to do these things; learn them well before you attempt latte art.

Step Two: Get a wide-mouthed mug. The larger the canvas you use, the more room there is to play.

Step Three: Start the pour. This should be slow, relaxed, easy - think skipping stones, not dropping anchors.

Step Four: When the white spot appears in the center of the crema, start gently shaking the pitcher back and forth while moving the pitcher - not the mug - to create your design.

The second-most important facet of latte art is patience: you have to be able to take it slow and easy when you're making your design.

The first most important? Practice. With enough practice, even you can be a stellar latte artist.

Coffee Photography

2010-02-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Phew! Those last two coffee posts were exceptionally text-heavy. While my keyboard cools down, here are some of the best coffee photos out there (thanks, flickr and photobucket!):

...And my favorite:

Coffee Throughout American History

2010-02-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

According to Google Analytics, all but four of you guys are Americans (as for the rest: hi, Russia, Indonesia, and Spain!). So, with respect to my international readership, I'm going to hold the magnifying glass over the U.S. for a minute and spew some facts about Coffee throughout American History.

Fact #1 - Coffee is Patriotic
Put down that bottle of Sam Adams and run over the Starbucks, everybody - Coffee is the original Drink Of America. How? Simple: when Britain got out of hand with taxes, a bunch of white fellas dressed as Native Americans* symbolically destroyed three shiploads of tea. Thereafter, tea was seen as a limey redcoat type of drink, and coffee became the official patriotic hot drink to have.

*It's usually taught that the white fellas dressed as Native Americans in an attempt to pass on the blame. In fact, they dressed up in feathers and leathers because Native Americans represented liberty at the time. Because knowing is half the battle!

Fact #2 - Cowboy Coffee is Gross
Cowboys brewed coffee by soaking a sock full of grounds in hot water. When camp was big enough, though, a camp cook would make the coffee. Back then, coffee came in pre-roasted bags - and one popular brand came with a peppermint stick in the bag. Cowboys would offer to hand-grind the coffee in exchange for the stick.

Fact #3 - Prohibition Was Great for Coffee
People like to drink together - actually, we like to consume together as a rule, but eating tends to be filling and expensive. In the 1920's, when the prohibition of alcohol went into effect, coffee sales in the U.S. soared. This can be partially attributed to the fact that speakeasies often disguised themselves as coffeehouses, and had to purchase coffee to support their cover stories!

Fact #4 - The Military is Responsible for Awful Coffee
The U.S. military has many shortcomings, to be certain - but they have long recognized the importance of conscious soldiers. To make sure that the men behind the guns weren't dozing off, the military of the 1800's developed condensed coffee extract in cake form. A soldier could break off a little of the cake, put it in a liquid (hot water, cold water, or - in an hour of dire need - their mouths), and voila! Coffee. A gentleman by the name of Stewart Allen theorizes that, since soldiers associated crappy instant coffee with their most vivid and interesting life experiences, they came home and wanted crappy instant coffee!

Coffee and religion

2010-02-10T18:09:00.000-08:00

In the beginning, there were goats. The goatherder who tended them noticed them eating strange berries that gave them oodles of energy.

He let the monks at the local monastery know about it, and they began using the berries to make a drink that would keep them awake for long evening prayers!

That was in Ethiopia. Good job, goats!

This was just the start of wacky religious hijinks. As coffee became more popular throughout the middle east, religious types (read: pretty much everyone) turned to coffee as a substitute for booze, which was forbidden by the Koran. Coffee became popular enough that coffeehouses grew into centers of art, music and philosophy.

As we all know, though, everything that comes from the middle east becomes evil by the time it reaches Europe.

Disgusting.

This probably has something to do with the way the Venice clergy condemned coffee as a bitter invention of Satan.

The pope was inclined to disagree with them, and gave the drink papal approval. With that, coffeehouses began to spring up all throughout Europe. Coffee spread out all over the place, and the Dutch got hold of Java for purposes of growing their own coffee and breaking down the Arabian monopoly - but that's another story.

A whole lot of centuries later, Joseph Smith totally saw an angel and founded Mormonism. One of the things he said? "Hot drinks are not for the body or the belly."

Because cocoa wasn't too popular back then, it's generally assumed that he meant coffee and tea. If he did mean cocoa, though... well, I'm feeling pretty sorry for my Mormon friends.

Bummer, guys.

Today, it's occasionally suggested by mischievous types that communion wine be replaced with coffee, and that it ought to be served at the beginning of the service.

Why does coffee make you poop?

2010-02-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

Coffee has long been acknowledged as a stimulating beverage. As many of us know, it stimulates both the mind and the body - with an emphasis on the lower abdominal part of the body. Have you ever wondered why?

Well, wonder no further!

Coffee is composed of a complex combination of... well, all kinds of junk. The biggest ones?

Good Stuff

- Water: A good cup of coffee is 98.75% water. Make it hot, and it's a great solvent that wrings the flavor and chemical goodness out of your beans. Since one of the below ingredients is a diuretic, you get rid of most of this pretty fast. That'll be important later.

- Caffeine: The good stuff. Caffeine works by blocking neuroreceptors that are just dying to hook up with adenosine, an important sleep chemical. Your body realizes that the chemical is being blocked, and it freaks out and feeds you a big adrenaline muffin. Caffeine is a diuretic and a stimulant.

-2-Ethylphenol: You know how you sort of like the smell of the tar shampoo you have to use for that flaky scalp? One of the same reasons coffee smells so awesome.

-3,5 Dicaffeoylquinic acid: Yeah, it sounds like I made it up, but I didn't! It's antioxidants - you know, those trendy things that may or may not prevent cancer.

-Acetylmethylcarbinol: This is that awesome buttery smooth part of your cuppa. Guess what's an integral part of the fake butter they use at the movies?

-Trigonelline: This provides the sweet, foresty taste of good coffee annnnd puts a coating on your teeth that prevents certain bad guys from messing up your teeth. Hello, coffee stains - goodbye, cavities!

-Niacin: Vitamin B3! Awesome. Two to three cups means half your daily recommended amount!

The Bad Stuff

-Quinic Acid: It's the part of coffee that screws up your enamel, and gives a little tartness to good coffee.

-Dimethyl disulfide: THANK GOD you can't really smell this all that much in coffee - this chemical makes poop smell.

-Putrescine: Gross stuff. If you let your coffee grounds rot, they start to smell like... well, a lot like the subject of this post.

So, what of these cause coffee poops?
First, you have caffeine - a mild diuretic, which simultaneously slightly dehydrates you and releases adrenaline into your system. Adrenaline is part of the fight-or-flight response, and part of that response is "empty now." I don't know why, it just is. Given, that's in very strong situations, but it still has a little bit of a "make ya poop" effect.
Second, you often have fake sweeteners. Fake sugar is widely known to have a laxative effect.
And third... *(drumroll)*... Putrescine, Dimethylsulfide, and other enzymes! All of the enzyms in coffee contribute to an increase in peristalsis, which is what, in the end, makes you poop.

So go enjoy a few cups of joe and sit down with a good book, and remember: coffee with a little Benefiber is a recipe for colonic cleansing the likes of which justify a day off from the office.

Make the Best Coffee Ever

2010-02-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

Tastes vary. A-duhhh. That being said, it is widely accepted that coffee is best when it has the following characteristics: Strength, Richness, Complexity, Warmth, Un-bitterness.

So, if you like bitter, weak, simplistic coffee, just do the opposite of all these instructions. Otherwise:

1. Use Arabica beans.
By and large, there are two types of beans: Arabica (from the C. Arabica plant) and Robusta (from the Coffea Canephora plant). Robusta plants are... well, they're more robust. They grow in more climates, and they're ready for harvest faster. When you buy instant coffee, you're buying processed Robusta beans. They produce a bitter, musty, weak, cheap-tasting mug of ass-water. Arabica plants, on the other hand, take a longer time to grow, are more expensive, and, when brewed, produce a rich, strong, complex mug of angel tears.

2. Use filtered water.
Here's the rule of thumb to go by: if the water out of your tap tastes bad by itself, it will do any drink you put it in a disservice. Use a Brita filter if you don't want to spring for water delivery. Also, make sure the water is cold before you heat it for brewing. This is important. No, I don't know why. Use only very hot but not boiling water for your drip, French press, or Neapolitan Flip maker. Put cold water into a maker that will heat it for you.

3. Use clean equipment.

If you neglect your coffee-making equipment, you will regret it - the oils and residues in the coffee will build up and degrade over a very short period of time, and your coffee will taste bad.

4. Grind your beans right before you need to use them.

Use a burr grinder, if at all possible, instead of a blade grinder. Blade-ground coffee will often divide into big giant glaciers of bean, and little tiny dusty particles of bean. The little dusty particles will clog your equipment, while your giant hunks-o-bean will not release much in the way of flavor. Burr grinders, on the other hand, leave you with a relatively even grind and they don't dull as quickly as blades do.
The more you know.

5. Grind the beans to fit your brewing needs.
You should only grind beans for so long - after all, you aren't looking to make coffee powder here. It depends on your brewing method: use a coarse grind (that's 5-10 seconds) for percolators and cold brewing - not very popular methods these days. Use a medium grind (10 seconds on the nose) for drip and French Press methods - the most popular method in the U.S. If you're living overseas or have access to specialty coffee equipment retailers, then you might want to use a 15-second fine grind for you vacuum or Neapolitan flip brewing methods.
Making espresso? 25-30 seconds for an extra fine grind.

6. Know the volume you're making, know the amount of coffee you need to use.
Seriously. Use two tablespoons of beans to make six ounces of coffee. Less and your coffee will be weak. More and you'll be wasting coffee.

7. Airtight containers.
Keep your coffee from access to the outside air, or the oils therein will degrade and your coffee will taste bad.

8. Stir the coffee before you serve it.
Coffee settles in a pot - the flavor distribution within the pot isn't even a little bit even. So stir it, then pout , and you guarantee that everyone is getting a consistent mug.

9. Love coffee.
And drink it with a smile!

Best Mugs Ever

2010-02-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

These are the best mugs on the internet. If you find better ones, send them in! Until then, in reverse best ever order...

6. Carribeaner Mugs

We've all been there - you're out hiking when suddenly, the need strikes you. You pull out your portable burr grinder and your miniature French Press and your emergency beans, and you use an emergency flare to heat some water... but then, after all of the blood and tears, you realize that you didn't bring a mug. You can't barbarically drink it from the French Press, and you can't wait for it to cool down long enough to pour into your water bottle. At long last, the problem is solved with simple hiker elegance.

5. Nose Mugs

The plastic surgery industry is in big trouble. These nose mugs will provide you with that pig nose you've been longing for. Popular variations on this one include tiger, housecat, and monkey!

4. The Van Gogh

Whether you're an otolaryngologist or just a regular, everyday otologist, this mug is the way too say "I have a thing for ears!"

Ceramically-oriented readers: how would one go about piercing this ear?

3. Interlocking Mugs

Like the tastiest, most energizing Legos you've ever encountered, these interlocking mugs make serving and storage a snap. Don't get what i'm talking about with storage? Then let me ask you: have you ever had a single mug tip over, leading to a mugalanche of previously unimagined proportions?

Then don't question genius of the interlocking mechanism.

2. Mustache Mugs

I make no secret of the fact that I wish I could grow a mustache. I'm sure you feel the same way, in fact - mustaches are the best, when properly styled to add an element of character to the mustachizard. Sadly, like many of you, I am facial-hair-impaired.

These mustache mugs are like wheelchair ramps for those of us who are otherwise disabled.

1. Cookie Mugs

Function.

Beauty.

Cookies.

If I need to say more, then you are simply out of your gourd and don't deserve to drink warm beverages accompanied by delicious round snacks.

Coffee Week!

2010-02-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! I've decided to do another theme week, and the theme is that of my favorite thing in the whole wide world - and this is regardless of my "favorite things" section - COFFEE. I LOVE COFFEE and so I'm gonna do a week on it. Even If you don't like coffee too much, I think you may well enjoy this week - it will be choc-a-bloc full of graphics, craaazy facts, and history! Who doesn't love history?
Crazies, is who.

So, without further ado, I present to you: Coffee week!

Favorite Thing #3

2010-02-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

One of the coolest things ever is, unfortunately, not widely available: Liquid Glass.

Okay, yes, all glass is technically sort of a liquid. But this is something totally new - an invisible, non-toxic spray that protects people from... well, everything. UV rays, bacteria, lipsticky grandma kisses - you name it. It forms a coating about 500 times thinner than a human hair. The coating is water resistant - which means that you can just spritz-and-wipe everything that you've sprayed with it, and it's clean as the inside of a bottle of Lysol. If you spray a sterile surface and then wipe that surface down with hot water, it will be as clean as if it had been treated with bleach.

For an anal retentive neat freak like me, the possibilities are endless. I just wonder if the cat would mind the spray...

5 Selfish Reasons to Commit Charitable Acts

2010-02-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

Acts of charity are great. Giving what you have to help others? Wonderful.
Here's the thing, though. I know for sure that I don't do things just because - I have motivations, and a lot of those motivations have to do with me. So, when I commit acts of charity, I think about them a little. I'm not ashamed of it - I say to myself "what's really motivating me to do this?"
I came up with some answers. So, for those of you who are looking for reasons to commit a charitable act that's a little more realistic than "because it's nice":

5 Selfish Reasons to Commit Charitable Acts

1. You will go to heaven
Seriously, how many times a day do bums say "God Bless You"? If the parables are right, and holy men disguise themselves as impoverished paupers, then check out the numbers: if there are ten disguised holy men in San Francisco, and you give a dollar to one homeless person every day for the rest of your life, then you are virtually guaranteed to hit at least one holy man before you die!

2. Tax deductions
Money that you donate to charity is tax deductible. The end.

3. Magic
Okay, maybe this isn't as broadly applicable, but there is a guy at my gym who performs magic tricks with the money he gets. He's really good, too, and instead of "god bless you", he says "magic is beautiful", and it always makes my day. I guess this kind of falls under #4, but I think it's unique.

4. It will make you feel good about yourself
When you give someone something that they need, you get this warm fuzzy feeling - "I'm a good person, and everyone who watched me give that guy a dollar knows it."

5. You are excused
You know how on the way home from robbing the bank, you cut off that little old lady, flipped her the bird and then crashed into an orphanage? And then your gas tank blew up and you went to go get a sandwich instead of moving your car door away from the only exit?
Ah, but you gave a portion of the money you stole to charity. So it's okay.

...6. Okay, but really, it is the right thing to do
Seriously.

BFFS

2010-02-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

Every once in a long while, I meet someone who I really like. I want to be best friends with them someday. I want them to bring me chicken soup when I'm sick and we'll borrow each other's chapstick and when we're old, we'll have coffee and plant sunflower gardens while we wear big straw hats and complain about menopause.
I end up trying way too hard, though. I end up feeling like I've had too much orange soda - too sweet of a taste in my mouth, and a weirdly full feeling to my lungs and stomach, and a little headache. I go home afterward and realize how much I overdid the telling-funny-stories and the laughing and the smiling. I was myself, which is what you're supposed to be, but I was myself concentrated - trying to be ebullient but agreeable and nice but also sharply witty and also pretty but not PRETTY, just, you know, pretty.
At some point during the night, I'll say something stupid - something too serious and there's not any way to take it back. And even though the other person moves on really quickly, I beat myself up about it for the rest of the night.
The next time I see them, I'll worry if they've still been thinking about it and if they hate me now, and if they don't say anything, I'll try to forget it.

And then when I go home that night, I'll watch a movie and smile to myself about how silly I get when I meet someone who I like.

Favorite Thing #2

2010-02-01T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have a nasty tendency to fall for shoes that I will NEVER wear. The lime green patent leather stilettos. The pink and black heels with a black and pink bow on each toe. The (deep breath) tweed lace-up ankle boots with a four inch heel and brushed leather toes.

But these take the cake. I feel an urgent pull - I must have them - but my style would have to take on Lady Gaga-esque proportions for me to pull off these babies:

These gorgeous Alice-in-Wonderland inspired shoes works of art were designed by Nicholas Kirkwood for Printemps in Paris.

They feature keys, teacups, pocket watches, and - naturally - a little bit of crazy.

How to be happier Part 3: Stop Nagging

2010-01-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

Here's the inside of my head six months ago:
The trash needs to go out. I should ask my Honey Bun to do it.
The next day: The trash still isn't out. Dang it. It's too heavy for me to take it out, I really need Honey Bun to do it. Why hasn't he done it yet? If the trash was out, I could clean the kitchen properly but it's not out. Maybe HB didn't hear me the first twenty-eight times I asked. I should ask again.
The next day: THE TRASH STILL ISN'T OUT what the HECK. I am so mad, and Honey Bun is being a pill because I keep on nagging but I just can't help it anymore!

--

I realized that my nagging ("If you would just take out the trash when I ask you to, I wouldn't HAVE to even DO things like leave you passive aggressive little NOTES...") was making us both very unhappy. Nagging, as it turns out, is damaging to both sides of a relationship - the nagger feels like a heel, and the nagee feels worn down. Both parties become resistant to communication and neither party feels heard or appreciated!

So here's the deal - it's time to stop nagging, but things still need to get done around the house. Here are a few steps towards stopping the Nag:

1. Make your needs clear. If you didn't say "Honey, I need you to do this RIGHT NOW," the chore goes a little lower on the priority list. The trash needs to be taken out, but since you didn't say to take it out right away, it's assumed that it can go out anytime tonight, or maybe tomorrow morning. So, if you need to trash to go out now, then ask for it to go out now. If it can wait - well, then don't expect it to happen right away.

2. Be patient. If something doesn't have a deadline -or if you forgot about step one and didn't make the deadline clear - then try to let go of the chore in your mind. Delegate it, and then release it from your focus. If it's not done within a reasonable amount of time (let's say, the next day), then serve up a gentle reminder.

3. Keep a list. If there are chores that aren't person-specific (for instance, I'm in charge of dishes, but he's in charge of the trash), just keep a communal list going. A chalkboard or a whiteboard will be perfect for this - just write down what needs to be done, and (try) to agree that you'll both work on the list when you have some spare time.
-- (Just as a note: it helps a lot to keep individual lists as well. The lists will not only help you both keep track of what needs to get done - it will give you both a sense of accomplishment to cross off an item.)

4. Just do it. If something is urgent enough that you will put energy into nagging your partner/roommate/child about it, then you can do it yourself. Too hard (after all, our trash really is too heavy for me to take out)? Then change something so that it's not so hard. But beware! It's far too easy for passive-aggressive sighs and overly-hard-cabinet-slamming to come into play. Don't draw attention to the chore that you're doing - just do it. It's likely that (unless we're talking about kids) the former nagee will notice that the chore they were supposed to do is done, and then they'll realize that you did it... and then maybe a little bit of self-induced guilt will step in and make them pay more attention next time. If it does, whatever - that's not on you. The point is that you did not try to make them feel guilty or lazy or unloving for their neglect of the chore, and when the change comes from within the person who needs to change, it's more likely to last.

5. Communicate. If the other person's refusal to pay attention to your requests for household help are a chronic problem, and if you have the kind of relationship in which you can openly communicate - then it's time for a sit-down talk. Watch out for phrases like "you never listen to me," "I'm the only one who does any work around here," or "how would you like it if I treated you like..." Instead, try to communicate (a) that you don't like nagging them, and (b) that you want to figure out a better way to communicate what needs to get done.

Feel free to send in your own stop-nagging and communication tips!

--

Reader slmwinn sent in a link for our enjoyment: Many many more tips on how to stop hectoring!

Hymens are SO last season

2010-01-29T16:13:00.000-08:00

In spite of reader slmwinn's assertion that "Vaginal Corona" sounds like a beer douche, I have to side with the Swedes on this one.

Swedish sex activists are campaigning to cease usage of the word "hymen". The hymen, as you all know, is pretty much a sheet of plastic wrap that surrounds a woman's virginity. Once that woman has sex, it's broken forever, and everyone who looks at her vagina will know how impure she is. Plus she starts to walk funny.

Seriously, though, many cultures around the world do believe that an "intact" hymen should pretty much be a membrane that seals the vagina, and if the membrane is broken before her marriage, the girl in question can be ostracized, imprisoned, or - in some cases - killed.

The reality is that there is a mucous membrane right next to the vulva - a very important membrane, as the sexually active ladies of the world are well aware - that sometimes separates slightly from the vaginal walls during anything from intercourse to horseback riding to masturbation. Conversely, it can stay intact even through childbirth.

Basically, it provides no reliable clues as to the virginal status of a lady.

Which is one of the reasons these Swedish sex activists are proposing the name "Vaginal Corona" - it carries a new and VERY different connotation. The idea is that by putting this new name into circulation, it may be possible to educate people about sexual practices, sexual health, and so on. According to Asa Regner, the secretary-general of the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education, "The myths surrounding the hymen were created to control women's freedom and sexuality. The only way to counteract this is by disseminating knowledge."

--

It's okay, you can laugh at disseminating. So did I.

--

In other news: here is a link to a list of different names for a vagina. My favorite is probably "dew flaps".

Triracial Isolates

2010-01-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

I'm presently rereading one of my favorite books, Lies My Teacher Told Me by James W. Loewen.

My teachers hated that I read these books.

Here's one of the many nuggets contained therein: : Triracial isolates. It was exceptionally common for white conquistadors - along with black compatriots and escaped slaves - to defect from white society and make the choice to live in Native American society. In fact, guards were, at one point, set up around white colonies to keep people from defecting.

According to Loewen, this knowledge has been suppressed to maintain the Eurocentric notion that the European way of life meant progress for the natives living on the North American continent. After all, if the Native American way of life was intolerable to civilized "settlers," then doesn't it make sense that the whites would progress and conquer? And doesn't it make sense that the natives were foolish for not wishing to be conquered by the obviously superior whites?

The tri-racial isolates prove that to many colonists, not only was the Native American way of living tolerable (or rather, several of the many different Native American ways of living) - it was desirable. Not only that: additionally, it was not necessarily natural and necessary for racism to abound in a society containing several different races. It makes political sense for this last point to be supressed especially with the rise of race-based slavery (which you'll be reading about soon, seeing as that's the chapter I am on now).

Thoughts?

Steve Jobs, what's the matter with you?

2010-01-27T13:08:00.001-08:00

For weeks now, my fella has been soooooooo excited about the Apple product announcement today.

I'll admit it: I got a little excited too. I remember when the iMac came out - my teacher at the time spent an hour and a half trying to track down the computer part of it, while my friends and I tried to explain that she was holding the computer. Then it was the iPod, totally incredibly new and exciting. And then, woah, the iPhone? How are they going to top that!?

I somehow doubt that they have. Sure, their new product looks really awesome - it's super thin, and light, and does everything - but my prediction is that without a marketing overhaul, it will fail but for the Apple geeks.

You just can't market the iPad.

One-Liners about the iPad:

I'm actually not surprised that we didn't hear about this one in advance - who wants to write the headline "iPad Leak"?

Imagine the horror when you ask a friend if she has an iPad and she reaches into her purse with a sympathetic smile...

I can't take credit for this one, but: Mac made an iPad. It's Mac's iPad. Say it with me. Mac's iPad. Seriously? No one said the name out loud?

--

Maybe they did this on purpose? Everyone will be talking about the iPad. Maybe it'll enjoy a Jersey Shore-esque publicity from all the "what the hell is wrong with Steve Jobs" conversations flowing discoursing from every cafe and street corner. Maybe it's a marketing scheme in tampon tandem with the menstrual product complex - after all, hipsters will likely to mod their iPads with wings and adhesive backs and Always logos. Maybe this is the beginning of a menstruation subculture!

--

Or maybe Steve Jobs is nuts.

Favorite Thing #1

2010-01-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

I've decided it's time to start a new section on here - my Favorite Things section. Then one day when I'm rich like Oprah, I'll give away all of my Favorite Things to people who come to my house or something.

Today, my Favorite Thing is message-bearing cookie cutters from Williams Sonoma.

I am never writing a card again.

For just $20.00, you too can own cookie cutters that feature a spring-loaded message stamp. There are premade stamps: Welcome, Happy, Birthday, Holidays, Thank You, From, and I Love You; plus three sets of alphabet letters with extras of commonly used letters.

Cookies for every occasion. For every person. For everything.

Quote of the day, extended

2010-01-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

So, this quote needs explanation.
I was minding my own business, watching Celebrity Jeopardy (I don't know why either) and lo and behold: a commercial for a product called "colon-aid". The tagline is "are you clean inside?" (that is not the QotD).

I tell my friend about it, and he links me to a website (be warned, this is gross): Colon-Aid. If you scroll down, they even show you a photo of what exactly colon-aid will make you excrete. It is not pleasant.

I was trying to figure out what this product is EXACTLY. It calls itself a colon cleanse, but it looks like a drink - and according to my extensive research, colon cleansing products often prefer a less circuitous route than oral ingestion.

And I stumbled upon perhaps the best quote ever.

Here it is.

" And yet,

as the old expression goes,

death begins in the colon."

Ethnic stereotyping v. Ethnic identity

2010-01-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

Here's a conundrum for you.

I am a European mutt with no particular religious identity, and I've often felt fairly unhappy about the fact that I don't have a culture to relate to. I end up feeling at least a little jealous when my Italian friends say "Of course I'm loud, I'm Italian!" or when my Catholic friends say "I don't know why I feel guilty about (x) - it must be my Catholic upbringing."

For a lot of my friends - Jewish, Catholic, Italian, Mexican, African-American, whatever - their identity and mannerisms are closely tied to their upbringing and culture. Even though their behaviors (like the guilt factor for many religious groups, for instance) are actually pretty ubiquitous, they attribute them to some stereotypical factor of their background.

On the one hand, this could easily be called stereotyping. On the other hand, this could easily be called cultural identity. One of the big complaints about the melting pot culture of America is the "melting" part: Immigrants coming to America sometimes felt like they were being turned into a fondue instead of a rich stew. Because of that feeling, communities that were primarily composed of one type of ethnic group formed - Irish neighborhoods were separate from Jewish neighborhoods - of course with exceptions. These neighborhoods did their best to maintain some level of cultural identity, instead of being completely assimilated into the melting pot.

So, by saying "Of course I eat a lot, I'm Italian!" is the person speaking reinforcing a stereotype, or are they embracing their cultural identity?

Thunder

2010-01-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

Why is thunder so incredibly scary?
Here I am, safe in my house with turkey chili happily simmering away on the stove, a very cuddly little cat curled up on my feet, and a distant rumble starts up like a stomach growling. Then, right over my living room, the sky breaks in half and falls on my roof.
I know all too well what causes thunder - the rapid increase in pressure and temperature due to lightning makes the air expand fast enough to produce a sonic boom. And I actually really like it and lightning - they are super cool.
And yet I still get a little tug in my tummy when a thunderclap so unbelievably loud happens so close to where I am ensconced in a crossword puzzle.

So why is it so scary?

I think it's because you can hear it, but not see it - so really, it could be anything. It could be a hoard of woolly mammoths headed right for you. It could be a distant bomb going off. It could be two planes colliding, the wreckage of which is about to fall through your roof and into your lap.
---
When it hails, I feel like the world is ending. I'm sitting at a red light in my car, and this huge terrifying stampede-of-elephants thunderclap goes off overhead. And then the rain is solid and I feel like I'm about to die a horrible, hail-and-elephant-induced death.
---
I'm not even making this up: I was driving to a pelvic exam. When I got to the doctor's office, the thunderstorm got worse. Partway through the exam, I guess lightning struck something important because the lights went out.
I was just waiting for a ghost to fly out from between the tongs of the speculum. It would have polished the whole day to a lustrous sheen.
---
The doctor said that I have a "normal" cervix. I realized that I have no idea what a cervix looks like. If pressed, I could probably identify all of the internal organs (except the gall bladder/spleen/appendix thing, I always get those mixed up). But I have this idea in my head that a cervix looks like a breathe-right strip.
---
Okay, I just looked it up, and I wish I still thought it looked like a breathe-right strip.

I had carne asada for lunch and it was amazing.

2010-01-18T15:30:00.000-08:00

A gun gives you the body, not the bird. ~Henry David Thoreau

That's all I have to say about that, vegetarians.

Alectryon, the Minotaur

2010-01-17T21:17:00.000-08:00

The Greek Gods were really fond of illicit affairs - with each other, with humans, with animals, whatever.
they were also fond of turning things into other things. Here are a couple of stories to finish off Mythical creature week and warm your heart.

Alectryon
Here's the cast: Ares, God of War; Alectryon, a human youth and Ares' wingman; Aphrodite, Goddess of Beauty and Love; and Helios, the sun.

Ares and Aphrodite are having an affair, and Ares asks Alectryon to stand watch while they engage in consummation of their affair. Apparently Ares is quite the stallion, because Alectryon falls asleep before he and Aphrodite are done. Helios walks in on them, and Ares turns Alectryon into a rooster - who always announces the arrival of the sun.

Minotaur
Here's the cast: Minos, king of Crete; Pasiphae, Minos' wife; Poseidon, God of the Sea; Daedalus, Grecian architect.

Minos is vying with his brothers to become king of Crete, and asks the god Poseidon to pretty please send him a white bull as a sign of his support - under the stipulation that Minos sacrifices the bull after he becomes king. Well Minos totally digs the bull, and decides to hang onto it.Surprise, Poseidon gets all mad and decides to make Pasiphae fall in love with the Cretan Bull. Pasiphae has Daedalus build her a very large and very convincing and very attractive hollow wooden cow. She climbs inside, and. Well. Nine months later, a half-human, half-bull hybrid is born. Minos consults the oracle at Delphi and ends up building a big ol' labyrinth to hold the Minotaur.

Cherubim

2010-01-16T15:12:00.000-08:00

I bet you didn't see this one coming.

Picture this: You decide that you want to get your hands on the Ark of the Covenant. You walk up to the place where it's held, and there's something standing in front of the door. That something is holding a flaming sword. That something has four heads - one each of a lion, an ox, an eagle, and a man. That something has four wings which are completely covered in eyes.

No.

You have encountered a Cherub! Also, you're probably ten kinds of dead. For some ungodly reason, Putti - a.k.a. cute naked baby angels that like kittens and hearts and rainbows - have been labeled as Cherubs (also pluralized as Cherubim). But the O.C. (Original Cherubs) are in fact just below Seraphim in the heirarchy of angels, and can be easily classified as "OH GOD WHAT IS THAT".

No.

Cherubim see all and report your sins directly to the big guy. They often act as the chariot of the Lord. They kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden.

NO.

Basically a Cherub is the scariest thing that God could come up with, and guards things that God says are important. Their wings support the throne of God.

YES.

*Many kudos to reader Slmwinn for the final photo.

The Mermaid Problem

2010-01-15T13:54:00.000-08:00

Part One: Mermaids!

As ubiquitous as the dragon, the mermaid exists in cultures all around the world as a beautiful creature with the upper body of a lady and the lower body of a fish. In most cultures, by the way, there's only one tail - but in some, there are two. More on that later. They seduce sailors, often leading them to wreck their ships and drown. They have been reported to be up to 2,000 feet long, but are usually depicted as human-sized. The bra made out of seashells is an extremely modern development - in classical legends, they are naked as the day is long. Mermaids are often depicted as monumentally forgetful - they often "forget" that humans can't breathe underwater, and thus drown them mercilessly. This means that at the end of a mermaid-human date, when she asks if you want to go back to her place, you should really weigh your options before you agree.

Why are you flailing like that, sweetie? Is something caught in your gills- OH WHOOPS.

Part Two: The Mermaid Problem.

A fisherman catches a mermaid, but after a short time, he decides to let her go. His assistant asks "Why?" The fisherman simply responds: "How?"

I know you've thought about it. These beautiful, sensual creatures seduce fishermen. But they have fishbottoms - not peoplebottoms. Upon further analysis, you may notice that mermaids have navels and (often quite voluptuous) bosoms - which implies that they have umbilical cords and a need for breast milk after they are vaginally born. And for those of you who are still not sure what the problem is: Fish don't have vaginas.

So, we have a problem, right? Right! The issue of "how do I (a human sailor) have sex with a mermaid?" is commonly known as "the mermaid problem" and h as been represented in forums ranging from Red Dwarf all the way to Futurama. A popular french idiom, "finir en queue de poisson" (lit., "to end with the tail of a fish") is used to describe something that started out promising, but turned out to be very disappointing.

Wikipedia proposes several solutions to the Mer-problem: some mermaid-sex scholars theorize that mermaid tails are dolphinesque, featuring a handy genital slit. Other theories include "mermaids can just grow legs whenever they want" - which does not account for the severe lack of mer-babies that are left on land by mer-moms who realized that they weren't ready to settle down. Then, of course, there's good old "there is a vagina in the cleft at the bottom of the tail" which, when you look at the logistics, is just plain silly. Oh yeah, and the two-tailed mermaids? Pretty much set up exactly like people, except... with tails instead of legs. Hence the crop on the Starbucks logo down to the mermaid's head (that coffee will never be the same, now, will it?).

My personal favorite, though, is featured prominently in Frederic Leighton's The Fisherman and the Syren:

As you can clearly see, the tail doesn't start until the mid-thigh - which not only makes it plausible for the mermaid to sit up on a rock luring a sailor to his death, but which also means that he might enjoy a distraction while his lungs fill with water.

So next time you're out at sea cruising for tail, remember this post - it may well save your life.

Basilisk

2010-01-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm just gonna say it: HARRY POTTER.

Now that's out of my system: Harry Potter got it pretty much right with the whole "big scary snake" thing.

Here's the important parts: The Basilisk is the king of serpents because it wears a crown everywhere. Yes, that's right, a crown. How does a basilisk happen? Well, if a hen sits on a snake egg, then the baby snake turns into a basilisk because that's how genetics happen (don't worry, I'm a scientist). If you look in its eyes, you die.

Funny story, you guys! I found this arrow, and -

guys? Where is everyone running off to?

DANG IT NOBODY WILL HANG OUT WITH ME

EVER SINCE I KILLED EVERYONE I LOOK AT

Alchemists, this will be of interest to you: if you burn one, you can use its ashes to turn silver into gold. Not lead into gold - just silver. If you can find a way to turn lead into silver, though, you're almost there!

A rooster will make a Basilisk poop itself (magical properties of Basilisk poop are as yet unknown.). I don't know why, maybe it's a Freudian thing? Either way, keep some roosters around and you're set for life.

Fearsome Critters

2010-01-13T14:27:00.000-08:00

I only really need two words to convince you of how important fearsome critters are:
"Lumberjack folklore".

Fearsome critters are creatures that are essentially created when a bunch of lumberjacks are sitting around a campfire trying to scare the hell out of each other. They range from the adorable and essentially harmless "Axehandle Hound" - a pooch with sharp edges that likes to eat axehandles -

Super Cute and also will ruin your axe.

- to the scary-as-hell "Hidebehind" - a fella who will pick up your friend and eat him in one bite, and then, before you can turn around and see him, will hide behind a tree trunk with his tummy sucked in so that he is invisible.

Pictured: Hidebehind, doing what he does best, right after

eating that girl who usually talks a lot and is now suddenly

silent.

More towards the middle of the spectrum, we have the Fur-bearing trout (which I don't think I need to explain); the Squonk, who is pretty much a just-dumped college freshman (an absolutely hideous creature who eschews all contact and will literally dissolve into tears if someone sees it); and of course, the (in?)famous JACKALOPE!

The Jackalope, rumored to be a jackrabbit with antelope antlers, was the subject of my favorite ever Bloom County storyline. They are shy unless approached, at which point they become incredibly vicious. They only mate during electrical storms.

Hey there baby. Was that lightning, or should we make like clouds

and rub together to form static electricity?

Ohhh yeah.

Science says this: The jackalopes that people saw were actually probably just rabbits suffering from a type of virus that makes rabbits appear to grow antlers (Shope Pappilomavirus - yes, it's related to genital warts.). I am not posting any photos of bunnies with SPV because it is too darn sad to look at. However, if your curiosity must be sated: here is a source that handles it very nicely, including lots of photos.

* Many thanks to wikipedia and Plant Prop Group 3 for the images.

How to be happier Part 2: Make A Choice

2010-01-13T14:09:00.000-08:00

I have been a real grouch for the past... I don't know, month? I've been hiding it well at times, and not-very-well at others. I have really just been hating everything about everything and today, I decided that I was tired of it. I took a trip to the gym and even that (usually a cure for everything but a broken leg) did not cheer me up. On the drive home I realized that I was using words to describe other drivers that would have made Blackbeard blush.

So here's what I did.

I went home and I took a shower and I made the decision to take the black raincloud over my head and throw it out the window. I've resolved to keep joy in my heart.

I know, doesn't that sound like such a simple thing? "If I could just decide to be happy, don't you think I would have done that by now!?" No.

Once you're angry, or sad, how ridiculously easy is it to wallow in that? There's a reason that Eeyore is the way that he is - it's easy to stay grumpy. It's very hard to push away that negative energy - much like a cat, it will always be underfoot waiting to trip you up at exactly the wrong moment.

So I got a simple little necklace (you can use anything - a worry stone, a ring, whatever) and when I assigned it the value of being my reminder. When I feel that stormcloud coming back - when, for instance, my fella asked "what's for dinner?" and I tasted the words "I don't know, what are you making?" resting on my tongue - I feel the weight of that necklace on my chest and remember this:

The joy that you put out into the world will come back to you. So will the meanness. So put out the energy that you want to get back.

All of this being said, if you are suffering from depression or from chronic anger issues, a necklace will not solve your problems. You should seek therapy and, if necessary, a medically-assisted therapeutic plan.

Okapi

2010-01-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

THE OKAPI

A mythical part-zebra, part-giraffe, part-red-thing African Creature of Lore.

Legend states that the Okapi eats small children and drinks only brandy.

The Okapi's cry is said to sound like a mixture of glass breaking and cats playing jazz.

Okapi eggs are said to cure deafness - but (unfortunately) they also undo immortality.

The Okapi is the natural enemy of the Rolex.

GUESS WHAT

PSYCHE

THEY ARE REAL.

I know, right? You weren't expecting THAT ONE. Thought to be a myth until 1901, the Okapi was called the "African Unicorn" by Europeans until Sir Harry Johnson - get this - rescued from pygmy natives who had been kidnapped by a circus. The natives were so grateful that they were all like "hey, want to see this animal who you think isn't real?" And he was like "I totally do" and the rest is history.

Also, everything else that I said about Okapis before the big real-reveal was a lie. They eat plants. HOWEVER, here is a bad-ass detail: most of the plants that they eat all the time would kill you in under an hour if you ingested them. Also, the Okapi is the only animal that can lick its own ears. I know what you're thinking ("gross")... but deep down, you wish that you could do it.

THE END

*Thanks very much to themathematicsofgrammar.com for the image.

Turkey Pot Pie

2010-01-11T21:05:00.000-08:00

So, alright... the remaining Turkey spoiled.
BUT. I will not rest until I have figured out what to do with what turkey I would have had LEFT.

So, with many thanks to my Dad for the inspiration: Turkey Pot Pie!

YOU NEED:
2 frozen pie crusts
1 can of condensed cream of mushroom and garlic soup (this is the best cream of anything soup ever)
1 can of mixed vegetables
1 cup of chopped roasted turkey breast (I got mine pre-roasted from Safeway)

Follow the instructions on your frozen pie crusts, natch - usually, they will say "defrost for 15 minutes, then add filling and cook according to your recipe". Mix up the canned stuff and the turkey. Cover the first (now filled) pie crust with the second one and cut a few slits in the top. Pop it in the oven, loosely covered in foil, for about 25-30 minutes; then remove the foil and turn the oven up to 400 and let the crust brown for another 15 minutes or so (check it often, as crusts are finicky and wont to burn). Then pull it out and cool it and OH MY GOD IT IS SO GOOD.

Unicorns!

2010-01-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

Popular knowledge about unicorns (read: "what I think about unicorns"):

- Horse + horn = unicorn

- Unicorn poop = rainbows + sparkles

- Good ones are white, bad ones are black

- NO WINGS ALLOWED

- Did not make it to the ark in time

Actual Unicorn mythos:

- Traditionally, unicorns actually are more than just horned horses. They have a lion's tail, a billy goat beard, and cloven hooves.

- Only a virgin woman can tame a unicorn

- Horn neutralizes poison

- No "official" stance on properties of unicorn poop; however, this author believes it is completely fair to assume that unicorn poop is indeed made of rainbows/sparkles.

- Made it to the ark in time... but Noah (who I did not previously realize was a MONSTER) said "hey, you're taking up too much room, dawg" and THREW THE UNICORNS OFF THE BOAT.

Nice job there, Noah.

Special week alert!

2010-01-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

It's officially the start of MYTHOLOGY WEEK!

I will freely and gladly confess that this is because I just finished reading the whole Percy Jackson and the Olympians series (which, by the way, was the bomb Diggory). This week, expect a plethora of knowledge about creatures and heroes and legends and so on.

HOORAY!

The American Dream

2010-01-08T18:41:00.000-08:00

I always hear the phrase "the american dream" and nod my head and move on. The other day, I finally realized - if you asked me "what exactly is the American Dream?" I would have had no answer!
So I did my research and came up with some INNNNTERESTING stuff.

Firstly, the original American dream was simply to achieve - in many foreign countries in the thirties (which is when the term A.D. originated) it was not possible for a person to achieve anything above the glass ceiling applied to their social rank. If you were poor, you would stay poor - even if you grew slightly wealthier, it was not possible to actually completely escape poverty. The American Dream is tied to the ability to become whatever you want to become, and to achieve complete social equality.

In the fifties, when the consumer age began to rise, the American Dream became inseparable from ownership. To have a house and a car and a plot of land and a picket fence and a well-groomed lawn became the American dream because it was the ultimate "Here is something that any American can achieve."
Today, though, the American Dream has changed considerably: for many young people today, home ownership is not a dream so much as an expectation. Owning a car isn't a rare thing today in any sense; almost every home, including many living in extreme poverty, has a television. The American Dream today is a little closer to one of these two scenarios:

[If your parents achieved the American Dream and you grew up in the house with the picket fence, etc.] A HUGE house with a big backyard; a smaller vacation home (or two); household help (like gardeners and housekeepers); a very large lawn; several cars; a good-sized recreational boat; and at least some degree of political power and/or fame.

[If your parents did not achieve the American Dream and you grew up in, let's say, an apartment in a bad neighborhood] A BIG house with a BIG backyard; household help; several cars; fame.

While the two scenarios are slightly different depending on the circumstances of one's upbringing, they reflect the "ideal" lifestyle that is sold to the public by mass media: you have succeeded if people pay attention to you and if you have money to spend on things that carry a degree of frivolity. Thus, it stands to reason here that the American Dream has evolved to reflect the evolution of our society: in the thirties, when the American Dream started out, it was a "dream" to be able to achieve regardless of class; in the fifties, it was a "dream" to have what we today consider perfectly normal amenities; and today, it's a dream to have things far beyond what we today consider normal amenities.

Avatar [is like every other movie ever made]

2010-01-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

I went to see Avatar in 3-D a few nights ago, and have since been itching to go see it again. I'm not going to mince words here: it was amazing.

I'm not going to talk about the incredible visual effects or about the heart-melting storyline or any of that. Instead, I'm going to use my Avatar-Slot up with an open plea to everyone in the whole world: Please, kindly shut the heck up about Avatar being made of recycled materials.

OF COURSE it has the same plotline as something else. Just like every other story that is ever told - they are all going to reflect other stories. By saying "Sure, that thing you love is great... but it's exactly like this other thing that came before it," you are trying to ruin someone else's happiness.

Here's where I'm headed: This whole rising culture of BuzzKillingtons needs to turn right around and go home.
If I say "man, I really like Panda Express" around a certain friend of mine, I know FOR SURE that the person in question will say "That's not REAL Chinese food." And I just know that for years to come, when I say "I really enjoyed Avatar," I'll hear "You could just as easily have watched Pocahontas and saved ten dollars for the same experience."

Just stop it, BuzzKillington. You are not welcome. It's like these people have a happiness-radar, and their mission is to seek and destroy.

So I will cry it from the mountaintops if I have to, in order to drown out the chorus of "BUT IT WASN'T ORIGINAL" from the people below: I ENJOYED AVATAR.

Turkey Tikka Masala

2010-01-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, this one kind of feels like a stretch, but here you go: Turkey Tikka Masala...

THE HARD(ER) WAY

You need:

1 cup yogurt
1 tablespoon lemon juice
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger
4 teaspoons salt, or to taste
2 boneless skinless turkey breasts, cut into bite-size pieces
1 tablespoon butter
1 clove garlic, minced
1 jalapeno pepper, finely chopped
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
3 teaspoons salt, or to taste
1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce
1 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (optional)

First, combine everything that's red and refrigerate for one hour.

Then, pan fry the meat (discarding the marinade). technically, you're supposed to grill, but I don't have a grill, so there it is. Set the meat aside.

Melt the butter in the pan that you just used and saute the garlic and jalepeno for a minute. Then add everything else that's in blue. Add the turkey in, simmer for ten minutes, and serve. Hooray!

THE SUPER MEGA EASY WAY

Go to the "ethnic food" section of your local supermarket. Buy a jar of Tikka Masala sauce. Heat up some turkey in it and serve.

Turkey Chili - Not My Dad's

2010-01-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

My dad is a cooker of god-like proportions. This is not just my bias - everyone who comes to eat at my parents' house is ruined forever, because if they ate his lasagna, then no other lasagna will ever measure up. If they had his stroganoff, other stroganoffs are a waste of time. And if they ate his turkey chili? Forget it.
And I've eaten a lot of my dad's turkey chili. Bearing in mind that I'm not a "chili person"... I can go back for seconds when my dad makes chili. And that's saying a lot.
But I have six pounds of turkey left. How can I POSSIBLY not make turkey chili?
So I decided to wing it. I went to the grocery store, picked up some stuff that sounded like it would go well in chili, and made one as different from my dads as I could think to manage - because I dare not compete with his chili.
I'm eating it now, and it is absolutely super - and takes five minutes of prep. See the recipe after the cut!

You need:

1 can each: Black beans, chili beans, mixed vegetables (usually corn, peas, green beans)
1 half-sized can of corn
2 cans of stewed tomatoes
2 roasted turkey breasts, with skin and fat, diced into half-inch cubes
1/3 Cup diced onion
A-1 sauce
Chili Spice Mix (About a tablespoon each of: red pepper flakes, paprika, whole oregano, ground sage, garlic salt, whole thyme)

Put a little oil and a giant dollop of A-1 into a large high-sided pan or a pot. Toss the roasted turkey into the pan and let it sizzle for about two minutes. Then, throw everything else in there. Stir to blend, then cover the pot and let it simmer on extremely low heat for up to five hours.

I've found that this tastes best if you let it cool and then reheat it with just a little cheese on top.
Then enjoy to the max!

Where have you been, Undomesticated?

2010-01-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

24-hour flu bug
Mother-in-Law's birthday
Robbery (!)

Tomorrow - a for real post.

Until then: A table that contains a living garden and aquarium.